Never Assume Anything

“Well, can I just sit here, then?” the lady asked.

“No,” I explained again as politely as I could. “The library didn’t set up the chairs for me. I’ll be done in a few minutes.”

She looked bewildered, finally choosing to sit on a chair facing my performing area.

I had nearly finished setting up for my library show. This particular library is too small for a traditional performance.

They hold their special programming next door, on the second floor above the police station.

That means I gotta drag my stuff upstairs, four or so trips up the stairs.

But I don’t mind – this library consistently draws a god sized crowd of 100 or so, plus the kids are always amazingly well-behaved.

Today was a problem in that they didn’t have the chairs set up for me. The previous director left for another job. The new librarian unlocked the door, led me upstairs, and said, “See you soon,” as she left.

I looked at the rows of tables surrounded by chairs and thought, “Wel, she just doesn’t get it.”

So I set up my show first and was in the middle of rearranging the tables and chairs when patrons started arriving.

The woman who wanted to sit was asking if she could sit on a chair in a row…facing away from the performing area.

“Well,” I thought. “She just doesn’t get it.”

Once I got the chairs set up correctly (hilariously assisted by two very eager six-year-old girls who insisted on helping), I went to a nearby window to watch other guests approach.

That’s when I saw the car parked in the picture above.

As you can see, it’s not even close to being in the parking space. And it’s hanging partway out in traffic.

It wasn’t a quick drop off either. When I was bringing my packed-up equipment after the show was over, it was still there.

“They just don’t get it,” I thought.

We performers think everything should be obvious, as it is to us.

By ‘everything’ I mean the things surrounding our performances.

Well of COURSE everyone should sit in rows facing the performing area. Doesn’t everyone see the banners, tables and props set up in a very, uh, show-like fashion?

Nope, I’ve lost count of how many times teachers or parents bring kids in and have them sit in a circle, facing away from the performing area.

Even though all of the things above drive me up a wall, it reminds me of a critical lesson in performing:

Never assume anything.

People aren’t accustomed to going to see live performances.

Oh sure, people go to the movies, plays, etc. But I contend MOST people don’t do these things.

The digital age, with people happily wasting away hours each day staring at their phones, makes this problem worse.

The pandemic ramped up the problem even further.

What does this mean for performers?

It means we must be patient.

And we need to explain our needs to our clients (and audiences) in very clear yet polite terms.

When someone books you, clearly spell out what you need for your performing area. Be clear on space, electrical needs, everything.

I’ll also let them know when I’m going to arrive on the day of the show.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve arrived at a gig an hour before my show only for the gatekeeper to blurt out, “But you don’t go on for an hour!”

“This one didn’t get the memo,” I’ll think to myself.

This extends to audiences, too.

When I’m getting ready to perform a school assembly, I’m waiting in front of my performing area to direct traffic. I’ll explain to teachers where the first row of kids should sit.

At a library, I’ll usually put a tape line down to mark where kids need to sit.

Most of all, I’ll stress again the need for patience.

I remember one school performance years ago.

I was setting my stuff up. The school had me stationed in a massive gym. It was a regulation-size NBA-style gym. You could have put a thousand kids on the floor to watch my show.

My audience was going to be about 250 kids.

The principal walked in and explained the kids were going to sit in a semicircle around me.

“That won’t work,” I explained. “The kids need to sit in straight rows facing me. They’ll have the best viewing experience that way.”

The principal shook his head. “We need to sit them this way to make sure we fit everyone in the gym.”

My response?

“We could fit a thousand kids in this gym.”

At that point, the principal closed his eyes, clenched his fists, started shaking, and yelled, “This is how we always do it!”

Any hypnotists reading this will realize the guy just regressed back to age two in an instant.

My thought?

“Well, he just doesn’t get it.”

Have a great week!

--Cris

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